I'm still breathing

Take a deep breath in.....let it out.....*sigh* And now I know....I'm still breathing

Life update

I don't even know why I still have this blog, no one is even following it, no one even cares. At least no one cares what's going on when my life is falling a part. But I have to say when I remember I have this blog I do like writing in it. Nothing really has been happening, drama in my head, but thankfully I haven't made it reality like I have done in the past. Even if I did it isn't big drama, but I am just really sick of mindless stupidity that is drama, any kind of drama. And besides it's ALL in my head anyway I have a way of doing that. I'm trying to make a decision, and it's kinda hard. I'll inform the 0 amount of people who read this what that decision is later.
I have a job 20$ a week and I get to work with two adorable baby girls, one of the girls I can't remember what her name is so I call her T-dog LOL! I know her name starts with a T so I just chose that name cause it makes me laugh hahah. I am saving up for a Disneyland season pass in two months I should be on my way! YES!!! :-)

hmmm....

So I have started writing poetry and it is really something I decided to do, it wasn't even really something I contemplated much. I just sat down and started writing, the first poem I ever wrote was a BLOCK! it was in stanzas or anything, it was just a block of words. But then when I broke it up into stanzas then it looked really good. Poetry is fun! and I really love it, but it stirs up uncomfortable emotions, sometimes it makes me relive painful memories, and painful moments. Last night I was talking to my friend Angie about...cough cough...you know. Anyway I was rehashing everything that happened with 'him' and I started crying. It wasn't like I was crying over 'him' it was that I just relived the disappointment that felt, it was me crying over what 'he' did to me. And poetry does that all the time, sometimes it's hard because I was hurt SOOOOOOOOOOOO badly. But it was a good thing in a way because I needed to cry, it was building and building and building and finally I got to cry. It didn't last long, but at least I got to let some of my pain out.
I know that there's that whole "teen angst" thing but it really isn't, I mean I was hurt. I am not just upset, just to be upset. I had every person I thought I could trust turn on me, I was told not to feel things that I couldn't help feeling. It's not like you can just flip a switch, and turn your emotions off. I mean I told Angie the other night that I can't really express how much I cared for 'him' He most likely doesn't even understand, but he came into my life at the hardest point in my life. And I let him in COMPLETELY! And that wasn't easy to do, but then he just stomped ALL over me.
But this post isn't about 'him' It's about poetry. But then again some of my poems are about him. I have to admit. But my poetry is how I express my feelings I have won 8 contests, I mean that is AWESOME! But I don't write for the contest, I write so that my anger, and resentment doesn't build up so much that I explode. Anyway I guess I am not making sense. I am just rambling now, but oh well. Bye peeps!!!
~Sarah W.

Camp

I just got back from camp and as I was on my way back, I was sitting in the bus, next to the window. And as we were driving through the mountains I just sat there and admired the beauty, I was listing to "You Raise Me Up" and just thinking to myself how on earth could someone look at all of that beauty and say "There is no God" I just don't understand it, the breeze whipped my hair around my face, I almost felt as thought the world around me slowed down, and I was in my own little world of peace and contentment. No problems, no stress, no pain. Just God's beauty, and the nice cool air blowing all around me, I couldn't hear the converstaions that were taking place around me, it was just me and me alone. Observing the world around me, and really haveing a moment to sink into my mind, and slow down the world around me. It was amazing I must say :)

Sex isn't love

I think the world has the wrong idea about what love is. I am a firm believer that love is an action, it is how you treat your bf/gf Husband/Wife. It's how you treat his/her's family, and friends. It is your actions, love can also be simple acts of kindness, doing what your partner asks you to do and doing it willingly. That is how I view love. Not just the warm fuzzy feelings you get in your stomach, not the sparks you get when you kiss, and sex. Sex is not love, it is something that God has given man as a wedding gift, but much of the world believes that sex is the same as love. That there is no difference between love and sex. So when a guy tells him gf "If you really loved me you would do...." he really means I am horny and this point I'm willing to say and do whatever it takes to get into your pants. And many girls fall for the line "If you love me..." Yeah you know what you need to do if it ever comes to that you need to say "Alright I'll do that when you get my dad's permission, let me get him on the phone for you" and watch that boy run so fast he will beat the world record. I was listing to a song tonight, and the lyrics were something like "I am looking for love, and I know someone else does to" and while singing she was in a skimpy outfit, and rolling around on a bed in front of a guy. And that is the world view of love, when someone says love now a days they most likely mean sex.
Love is a difficult thing to come by now a days, it is hard to find someone who doesn't get sex and love confused. Sex is made for one person and one person alone and that should be your husband or wife. And once you have sex with a person you are married to that person in God's eyes. Sex is takes soooooooooo lightly now a days, it is like a right of passage in modern times. Like turning 16, or getting your ears priced. And people also believe that it's alright to have sex with more then one person. Well that view is the worst in my mind, why do people take something as....sweet as sex and turn it dirty. It doesn't have to be that way but that's how the world has turned it, it is now considered perverted. But that's only because the world has perverted the word.
Now lust is hard to overcome when you are with a boy/girl who you REALLY like, and that person seems completely perfect. Like they completely fulfil everything you want in a person, and you start to let that person into your heart, your life, and they become the center of your attention. And maybe you start to think you love that person, and I don't mean lusting after that person, I mean real pure love. And you start getting physical with each other, then you get lost in the moment. But that doesn't have to happen, you can really like a person without getting physical, and I mean holding hands and hugging is alright. But anything past that you are getting into dangerous territory.
This blog is just how I veiw love, and how sex is not love.
~Sarah

trials

My friend is going through a really hard time he really REALLY! likes this girl I mean she was the air he breathed, she was his night and day, his only joy apparently. But today he told me she doesn't care for him anymore, which is like getting stabbed in the heart a million different times each time more painful then the last, for him. And he has decided that apparently God has over stepped his boundaries, that God is intentionally torturing him. And that he has very little faith left to rely upon. But he is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Lucky he has a bed to sleep in, food to eat, a roof over his head, a family who loves him, and friends who would take a bullet for him. He has all the material things he could ever need, he has an ipod touch, a cell phone, a computer, sunglasses. He is better off then half the world, and is thinking that God is punishing him?!?! No he is being tested and yes he has been tested his intire life, idk all the things he has been through. But I know it has NEVER been an easy ride for him. But does he think he is the only one who has suffered? The only one who feels that God no longer cares for them, and does he think he is the only one to feel that God has finally gone to far? Well if he believes that then he is terribly mistaken. He is sooooooooooooo well off, he is healthy and handsome. He could have any girl he wanted, and I understand the feeling that only that person could ever fulfil what you want. And that you just simply don't want anyone else. And he thinks because he suffered in the past that, that makes it ok for him to judge God. That because he suffered that means it's ok to blame God for all the things wrong in his life. Well he needs to rethink his attitude. I went to a homeless shelter once a while back in the middle of LA at night, it was cold outside and only a couple days till Thanksgiving. And the food didn't look very good, but then those people were starving, and needed food. And when the people would get their tray of food and go sit down they openly praised God for the food. Even though they were only getting a few minuets of comfort, and some not so tasty food, and after they were done eating they would be forced back onto the streets to spend the night out in the cold. But they praised God for providing the food, and the temporary shelter. But my friend thinks that because he suffered in the past and because he lost the girl of his dreams, that God must not really love him anymore. I think that is completely terrible and I just want to slap him for it, he needs to be grateful for what he has, and try to think of the good things in life not the crap.
During the Guy thing I remember questioning my faith, wondering why God was punishing me, and feeling so completely alone. But I soon realized that God never gives us more then we can handle, even if it seems like that statement isn't true. It is no matter what happens in our lives, no matter how tragic, or cruel, or messed up thing. God NEVER!! gives us more then we can handle. The thing with the guy I liked was terrible, and something I would NEVER want to do over but now I see that I came out of it okay, yeah I was hurting but I am still alive, I still have everything I need. The guy I liked was a good part of my life for a while, but I realized I could live without him. My life would not crumble before me if he didn't care for me anymore. Yes I would miss him terribly, without question I would. But he was not the center of my world, and when taken out of it I still had air to breath, food to eat, a roof over my head, and good family and friends to help me through it. So by my friend making this girl the air that he breathed, the only thing that kept him alive, then that's where he went wrong. I think God may be going "You need to wake up and see that you should never put a human relationship above your relationship with me" My friend did that. He made the girl who he likes his one and only way of happiness and that's when he made things difficult. I love my friend I really honestly do, he was such great support during my hard times with the guy I liked, but I think he needs to wake up and see that his main focus should be upon God. Not a girl.
~Sarah

Enya - Watermark