hmmm....

So I have started writing poetry and it is really something I decided to do, it wasn't even really something I contemplated much. I just sat down and started writing, the first poem I ever wrote was a BLOCK! it was in stanzas or anything, it was just a block of words. But then when I broke it up into stanzas then it looked really good. Poetry is fun! and I really love it, but it stirs up uncomfortable emotions, sometimes it makes me relive painful memories, and painful moments. Last night I was talking to my friend Angie about...cough cough...you know. Anyway I was rehashing everything that happened with 'him' and I started crying. It wasn't like I was crying over 'him' it was that I just relived the disappointment that felt, it was me crying over what 'he' did to me. And poetry does that all the time, sometimes it's hard because I was hurt SOOOOOOOOOOOO badly. But it was a good thing in a way because I needed to cry, it was building and building and building and finally I got to cry. It didn't last long, but at least I got to let some of my pain out.
I know that there's that whole "teen angst" thing but it really isn't, I mean I was hurt. I am not just upset, just to be upset. I had every person I thought I could trust turn on me, I was told not to feel things that I couldn't help feeling. It's not like you can just flip a switch, and turn your emotions off. I mean I told Angie the other night that I can't really express how much I cared for 'him' He most likely doesn't even understand, but he came into my life at the hardest point in my life. And I let him in COMPLETELY! And that wasn't easy to do, but then he just stomped ALL over me.
But this post isn't about 'him' It's about poetry. But then again some of my poems are about him. I have to admit. But my poetry is how I express my feelings I have won 8 contests, I mean that is AWESOME! But I don't write for the contest, I write so that my anger, and resentment doesn't build up so much that I explode. Anyway I guess I am not making sense. I am just rambling now, but oh well. Bye peeps!!!
~Sarah W.

Camp

I just got back from camp and as I was on my way back, I was sitting in the bus, next to the window. And as we were driving through the mountains I just sat there and admired the beauty, I was listing to "You Raise Me Up" and just thinking to myself how on earth could someone look at all of that beauty and say "There is no God" I just don't understand it, the breeze whipped my hair around my face, I almost felt as thought the world around me slowed down, and I was in my own little world of peace and contentment. No problems, no stress, no pain. Just God's beauty, and the nice cool air blowing all around me, I couldn't hear the converstaions that were taking place around me, it was just me and me alone. Observing the world around me, and really haveing a moment to sink into my mind, and slow down the world around me. It was amazing I must say :)

Sex isn't love

I think the world has the wrong idea about what love is. I am a firm believer that love is an action, it is how you treat your bf/gf Husband/Wife. It's how you treat his/her's family, and friends. It is your actions, love can also be simple acts of kindness, doing what your partner asks you to do and doing it willingly. That is how I view love. Not just the warm fuzzy feelings you get in your stomach, not the sparks you get when you kiss, and sex. Sex is not love, it is something that God has given man as a wedding gift, but much of the world believes that sex is the same as love. That there is no difference between love and sex. So when a guy tells him gf "If you really loved me you would do...." he really means I am horny and this point I'm willing to say and do whatever it takes to get into your pants. And many girls fall for the line "If you love me..." Yeah you know what you need to do if it ever comes to that you need to say "Alright I'll do that when you get my dad's permission, let me get him on the phone for you" and watch that boy run so fast he will beat the world record. I was listing to a song tonight, and the lyrics were something like "I am looking for love, and I know someone else does to" and while singing she was in a skimpy outfit, and rolling around on a bed in front of a guy. And that is the world view of love, when someone says love now a days they most likely mean sex.
Love is a difficult thing to come by now a days, it is hard to find someone who doesn't get sex and love confused. Sex is made for one person and one person alone and that should be your husband or wife. And once you have sex with a person you are married to that person in God's eyes. Sex is takes soooooooooo lightly now a days, it is like a right of passage in modern times. Like turning 16, or getting your ears priced. And people also believe that it's alright to have sex with more then one person. Well that view is the worst in my mind, why do people take something as....sweet as sex and turn it dirty. It doesn't have to be that way but that's how the world has turned it, it is now considered perverted. But that's only because the world has perverted the word.
Now lust is hard to overcome when you are with a boy/girl who you REALLY like, and that person seems completely perfect. Like they completely fulfil everything you want in a person, and you start to let that person into your heart, your life, and they become the center of your attention. And maybe you start to think you love that person, and I don't mean lusting after that person, I mean real pure love. And you start getting physical with each other, then you get lost in the moment. But that doesn't have to happen, you can really like a person without getting physical, and I mean holding hands and hugging is alright. But anything past that you are getting into dangerous territory.
This blog is just how I veiw love, and how sex is not love.
~Sarah

trials

My friend is going through a really hard time he really REALLY! likes this girl I mean she was the air he breathed, she was his night and day, his only joy apparently. But today he told me she doesn't care for him anymore, which is like getting stabbed in the heart a million different times each time more painful then the last, for him. And he has decided that apparently God has over stepped his boundaries, that God is intentionally torturing him. And that he has very little faith left to rely upon. But he is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Lucky he has a bed to sleep in, food to eat, a roof over his head, a family who loves him, and friends who would take a bullet for him. He has all the material things he could ever need, he has an ipod touch, a cell phone, a computer, sunglasses. He is better off then half the world, and is thinking that God is punishing him?!?! No he is being tested and yes he has been tested his intire life, idk all the things he has been through. But I know it has NEVER been an easy ride for him. But does he think he is the only one who has suffered? The only one who feels that God no longer cares for them, and does he think he is the only one to feel that God has finally gone to far? Well if he believes that then he is terribly mistaken. He is sooooooooooooo well off, he is healthy and handsome. He could have any girl he wanted, and I understand the feeling that only that person could ever fulfil what you want. And that you just simply don't want anyone else. And he thinks because he suffered in the past that, that makes it ok for him to judge God. That because he suffered that means it's ok to blame God for all the things wrong in his life. Well he needs to rethink his attitude. I went to a homeless shelter once a while back in the middle of LA at night, it was cold outside and only a couple days till Thanksgiving. And the food didn't look very good, but then those people were starving, and needed food. And when the people would get their tray of food and go sit down they openly praised God for the food. Even though they were only getting a few minuets of comfort, and some not so tasty food, and after they were done eating they would be forced back onto the streets to spend the night out in the cold. But they praised God for providing the food, and the temporary shelter. But my friend thinks that because he suffered in the past and because he lost the girl of his dreams, that God must not really love him anymore. I think that is completely terrible and I just want to slap him for it, he needs to be grateful for what he has, and try to think of the good things in life not the crap.
During the Guy thing I remember questioning my faith, wondering why God was punishing me, and feeling so completely alone. But I soon realized that God never gives us more then we can handle, even if it seems like that statement isn't true. It is no matter what happens in our lives, no matter how tragic, or cruel, or messed up thing. God NEVER!! gives us more then we can handle. The thing with the guy I liked was terrible, and something I would NEVER want to do over but now I see that I came out of it okay, yeah I was hurting but I am still alive, I still have everything I need. The guy I liked was a good part of my life for a while, but I realized I could live without him. My life would not crumble before me if he didn't care for me anymore. Yes I would miss him terribly, without question I would. But he was not the center of my world, and when taken out of it I still had air to breath, food to eat, a roof over my head, and good family and friends to help me through it. So by my friend making this girl the air that he breathed, the only thing that kept him alive, then that's where he went wrong. I think God may be going "You need to wake up and see that you should never put a human relationship above your relationship with me" My friend did that. He made the girl who he likes his one and only way of happiness and that's when he made things difficult. I love my friend I really honestly do, he was such great support during my hard times with the guy I liked, but I think he needs to wake up and see that his main focus should be upon God. Not a girl.
~Sarah

Enya - Watermark

Trust

Trust what does trust mean to you? Does it purely mean honesty? or is it always knowing someone who you care about will be there for you? How do you know if someone is trustworthy? I have heard of couples that have been together for 40 years and then after all that time they got a divorce. Wouldn't you think that after 40 years with another person you would really know and trust that person? Apparently not. Trust is something that is used so lightly, and so easily misunderstood. People so badly want to be trusted, they want to be trusted by their parents, their loved one, their boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife. We all want trust but do we really honestly understand what trust is? I believe that trust is being able to count on someone to be there to always tell you the truth (bad or good truth) Someone who will hold you while you cry your eyes out, someone who won't just stand by and watch you be beaten up by everyone around you. (Verbal and physical) A trustworthy person is someone who doesn't pretend that there is no problem when really they know there is, someone who will stand up for you. That is a trustworthy person. But what if they don't do this? does this mean that all trust is lost and unable to recover from? How do you know that the person who broke your trust won't do it again? are you willing to take the chance? It really is a shot in the dark, because no matter how many times the person swearers to always tell you the truth they are sinful and flawed and will always let you down no matter what. But by giving everyone your trust wrong? or the way to get over heart break? By just believing that next time it will be totally different. Or is that the way to have your soul crushed?
~Sarah

Bright Star by John Keats

Bright Star by John Keats

I am conflicted

Tonight I was watching "Bright Star" and it's about John Keats the famous poet and his love story. (SUCH A GOOD MOVIE!) And he left with his friend Mr. Brown and then his friend returned and told Fanny the woman who he was...idk...he had a fling for he planned on marrying her so I suppose they were...IDK! they were a thing. Anyway Mr. Brown told her that Mr. Keats planned on moving to London and living there, and didn't plan on coming back. But Mr. Keats came back to gather his stuff and Fanny didn't show any sign of anger, or resentment. But he LEFT!! and he didn't plan on coming back, wouldn't u be sorta upset with that?!? well she wasn't and that alone infatuated him, she entranced him, with her calm demure. She never yelled at him, and never felt cold hearted toward him. And that made him care for her even more than he had before he left. Does this mean that I am truly in the wrong for being angry at the guy I used to like? Should I be calm and forget what happened and pretend that nothing happened? and just be glad that he is around? I JUST DON'T KNOW! Maybe I should just....be calm, not be upset anymore. But I can't help it!! Just everything that happened it just seems to bad to be forgettable. If I let it go would I be turning against everything I fought for? would I be weak? and foolish for just not caring anymore. Should I be like Fanny? and just be content in the moment, be happy that he is even around? idk.
~Sarah

forgivness

Forgivness is something I cherish, because withought forgivness we will only dwell on the things we have done, and have left to fester on. The Lord forgives us for everthing and anything we do, he knows who will eventually come crawling back to his love and mercy, and who will continue to sit in their pride, and sinful ways of living. And I think God weeps for thoes people's soul's, because he loves them like we can't even imagen, a love so tender, so kind, so sweet and people throw it in God's face. And yet he still loves them the same way, people want forgivness from their brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, but thoes who strey from God don't want his forgivness, sometimes even Christians forget that we need God's forgivness. More then the person we harmed? I don't know, my guess is yes. He is the Lord and the creator, so I would asume his forgivness is more valubal then man's forgivness. Not saying that if you ask God for forgivness it makes your wrong doings right, because it isn't like that. But we forget that apoligizing to the one we hurt and not apoligizeing to God, is also wrong. Because he is sad when we don't repent of our sins. Christain thought of the day.

My Walk

Last night I was sitting at the end of my bed wondering where my heart has been these past few weeks. Have I been in trusting my troubles with God? or have I been trying to control everything? I realized that I have been trying to make things better without the help of God, I was trying to heal myself all alone. So last night as I looked up some verses that might help me, I realized that first I needed to pray. So I closed my eyes and openly confessed to have strayed from him. These past couple months I haven't been focusing on him, or his word. The things I was doing was to glorigy myself, to please myself. I wasn't doing it for the glory of God I was doing it for the glory of Sarah. I was thinking of myself and myself alone. So I prayed for the first time in months I really prayed. I mean I have been praying every night but I wasn't trully praying, it was more like I was talking the cealing. I did the rutean the paryer but I didn't really mean what I said. In a way I suppose I forgot that God really does listen to our prayers. So I was reminded because in an instent I could feel him, I could tell something different was happening to my heart, and I knew he was listing to me. That is the greatest feeling in the world, to know your prayers are being listend to. I think people spend their whole life looking for someone to do that when all they need to do is pray. I am giving my troubls over to him, and I am trusting that he will allow what is best for me in my life. And that whatever happens he is takeing care of me :)